Welcoming a new baby into the world is the start of a major new chapter in your life, however surviving baby’s first year as a couple may be tougher than you think. It is an exciting time, but did you know, 1 in 5 couples divorce or break up within the first year of their baby’s life. That is a staggering statistic. A small fraction of those couples were probably close to the edge before, and the stresses of having a baby tipped them over – but for the majority of those couples, it probably came down to a combination of the points below.
A new baby will put strain on any relationship, no matter how strong it was prior to the baby’s arrival. But the survival of the relationships depends on how much you are both willing to communicate, adapt and compromise. Below are some of the main stressors that weaken a couples relationship and ways to counter them to ensure you survive your baby’s first year as a couple.
Sleep deprivation
During your babies first few years of life (yes, you read right, not limited to their first year), you will go through many phases of sleep deprivation, this cannot be helped and frequent awakenings on your babies part is a completely natural part of their development. Sleep deprivation as part of an adult relationship can take its toll, causing you both to be irritable and less tolerant than usual, in turn contributing to more arguments.
To avoid sleep deprivation affecting your relationship, you need to look out for one another:
- If your baby is bottle fed, take turns doing the night shift and sleep separately so that the parent not on night shift gets an undisturbed sleep.
- If your baby is breastfed, Daddy can take baby as soon as they’ve had their morning feed so Mummy can have a long lie and catch up on sleep. Or, you can express milk for Daddy to give via a bottle, baby can stay with him and have a late feed from a bottle while Mum gets an early night before joining her later.
- Offer each other time to nap and catch up on sleep.
- Sleep separately to allow one parent to be well rested. This does not need to be a regular set up as sharing a bed is important for your relationship too, but it definitely has its place in order for you both to get enough sleep.
- Your baby’s sleeping arrangements need to be safe but work for you. If co-sleeping gets you the most sleep, then do it safely and roll with it.
Communication is Key
Communication is key for any relationship, not just those who have a new baby, but when you are focused on meeting your baby’s every need 24/7, you can often forget your communication skills. Make communication a priority, check in with one another regularly and be transparent. Starting a family brings a lot of emotions and challenges, be open and honest with your other half and encourage them to do the same (have them read this blog post too).
If you are frustrated with your partner, it is not healthy or helpful to silently brood over whatever they have done to wrong you – talk openly and calmly with them and be ready to compromise.
Re-evaluate your Expectations
This is quite a broad topic, expectations refers to anything from the tidiness of your house to your career decisions. Having a baby can massively change the way you live your life. You may have been career focused before having your baby then find you do a complete 180 on the subject – and that is okay. The same goes for the housework, socializing, hobbies, holidays etc. Your expectations versus reality once baby has arrived may be very different, so it’s best to re-evaluate those expectations and priorities to fit your new life. Otherwise you may find yourself resenting your new role or your partner.
Sex Life
Your sex life is going to change, for some it might be a short-lived change, ie. just until Mum is fully healed. For others it may be a much longer change. You both need to communicate about this aspect of your relationship and compromise. You may decide you both need to be actively more spontaneous to improve your sex life, or you may find you need to be the opposite, and pencil in dates for your diary to do the deed. You need to be open with your other half and find what works for you both, with compromise on both sides.
What can affect your sexlife after a baby:
- Mums healing time, no two women’s labor and delivery is the same, similarly, no two women’s healing time is the same. It is important to be fully healed before becoming sexually active again to avoid injury and infection.
- Breastfeeding can lower a woman’s sex drive – nature’s way of letting Mum care for the baby she has before making another one too soon.
- Sleep deprivation and exhaustion can cause both parties to have a drop in sex drive.
- Adapting to your new identity as a mother. The balance between the old you and the new you can be a hard one to find in the beginning, don’t lose yourself, you are still the old you, just new and improved.
- Lack of communication, whether that is about your sex life or other aspects of your relationship, lack of communication can lead to resentment for your other half and in turn be detrimental to your sex life.
Making time for yourself and one another
Your priorities will undergo a massive shift once you have a baby, going out socializing every weekend may have been your priority before, but now you need to stay home and care for your new bundle. Date nights may have been a regular occurrence in the past, now they are few and far between. Although you have a new baby, you still need to make time for the things that bring you joy – it’s just that you may need to change your expectations of what that looks like. If that was a regular date night, make time for it, but adjust your expectations – what I mean is you may have a little sidekick sleeping in their pram when you are dining out. If you used to hit the gym every night after work, you may need to compromise and miss every second session so you can come home early to help with your baby.
Don’t for get to make time for you, Mum. It can be easy to forget about yourself, you may even feel guilty for taking me time, but it is important for your mental health, even if it is as simple as Dad watching baby for a couple of hours while you catch up on Netflix, make sure you are making time for you too.
This subject can be a source of a lot of resentment in relationships, it is important that you do not undervalue each others choices of what they do with their time. If you do not agree with something your partner is doing with their time, maybe you think they should be at home with your baby instead, it is important to have these conversations calmly and be as open and honest about it as possible. Explain how you feel and why you feel that way, and give them the opportunity to do the same. Relationships are all about compromising.
You are a team
You are in this together. Support each other as best you can. Have empathy and sympathy for your team mate, appreciate that you are both tired, whether that is from looking after your baby all day or from being out at work all day, do not undervalue your other half, instead build them up and appreciate what they are doing for your family. Remind each other that this is just a phase, there will come a time when your child will sleep through the night and won’t need constant supervision 24/7 and you will get back to some sense of the normality you had before your bundle arrived.
Speak to others
When we are in the trenches (and especially with social media showing a rose-tinted version of society) we can often feel like we are alone and must be doing something wrong when we feel we are barely surviving parenthood. Speak to other parents. Almost all new parents will find that their relationship is tested in the first few years, it can be refreshing to hear from other parents that they are going through the same things you are.
Seek help
If you have tried all of the above and you are still concerned about your relationship, seek professional help before making any major decisions. Family counseling or couples therapy should be your first port of call if you are seriously considering ending your relationship as this decision not only affects you the adults, but now also affects your child for the rest of their life. Some families are better off with the parents apart, however some make a rash decision when they are in a very stressful stage of life that will pass, so best to seek professional help.
