Tantrums are an inevitable part of a toddler’s life. While tantrums can be incredible frustrating, they are a normal developmental phase that nearly all children go through. Understanding why toddlers have tantrums, how to handle them effectively and how to minimize the chance of them taking place can reduce stress for both you and your child leading to a more peaceful and nurturing environment.
Why do toddlers have tantrums?
The ‘terrible twos’ is a well known term however not all 2 year olds have tantrums, sometimes the tantrum stage doesn’t hit until they are 3, which has led to the term ‘threenager’.
Children aged 1-3 years old have a rapidly developing brain that is still working on getting to grips with emotional regulation. Toddlers are learning to navigate a world that is confusing, overwhelming and regularly frustrating. During this stage, their language skills are still developing meaning they lack the ability to express the complex emotions that they are experiencing. As a result, when something upsets them, their frustration may explod into a full-blown meltdown.
Here are some common reasons that lead to a tantrum:
- Lack of Communication Skills: Toddlers often don’t have the words to express what they want or need. When they can’t articulate themselves effectively, they might resort to crying, yelling, or throwing things. If your child is slower to talk, this could result in the tantrum stage lasting a bit longer, until they develop their communication skills.
- Seeking Independence: Toddlers are beginning to assert their autonomy and explore the world around them. When they’re told “no” or feel controlled, they may resist with anger and frustration.
- Overstimulation or Fatigue: A hungry, tired, or overstimulated toddler is more likely to have a meltdown. The inability to cope with physical discomfort often leads to emotional overload.
- Boundaries and Testing Limits: A natural part of toddlers cognitive development is testing boundaries to understand rules and expectations. A tantrum might occur when they’re told they can’t have something or must follow a specific rule.
- Emotional Overload: Toddlers are experiencing intense emotions for the first time. Feelings like anger, frustration, or excitement can quickly spiral out of control, resulting in a tantrum.
How to de-escalate toddler tantrums
Number one on the list is stay calm, remember that your child is not trying to be difficult or wind you up – they are struggling to cope with their emotions. Dealing with tantrums in an effective manner requires patience, understanding and practical strategies to help your child regain control.
Here are some steps to help de-escalate a tantrum:
- Stay Calm and Composed
Toddlers are incredibly perceptive, if you react with anger or frustration, the situation may escalate further. Take a deep breath, keep your voice steady, and avoid shouting or reacting impulsively. - Get down to their level
Adults are a lot taller than toddlers, so even if you are calm and composed, if you are towering above your toddler, it can make them feel threatened in that moment. Get down to their level, whether that is crouching down or sitting on the floor with them. Being at eye level gives a much more open and accepting appearance which may help them to clam down. - Validate Their Feelings
Acknowledge that their emotions are valid, even if their behavior is not appropriate. Imagine you, as an adult, were upset about something and vented your emotions to a friend, if your friend dismissed or failed to acknowledge your emotions, it would no doubt make you feel worse. The same is true for toddlers. You can say something like, “I know you’re upset because you can’t have that toy right now,” or “It’s hard when things don’t go the way we want.” This shows your toddler that you understand their feelings, which can help them calm down. - Offer Comfort and Reassurance
Some toddlers respond well to physical comfort during a tantrum. Offering a hug, holding their hand, or sitting close to them can help provide a sense of security and calmness. However, some children may not want to be touched while upset, so gauge the situation carefully. - Distraction or Redirection
Distraction is an effective tool in defusing tantrums, especially if the child is upset over something small. Shifting their attention to something new, like a favorite toy or an activity, can quickly take their mind off what was causing the outburst. Also, once you have validated their feelings, asking them a question that requires them to use their memory can often help – you could ask ‘where did daddy take you yesterday’ or ‘what color is grandmas car’? - Use Simple, Clear Language
When a toddler is in the middle of a tantrum, they can’t process complex information. Speak in simple, direct terms. Instead of explaining why they can’t have what they want in detail, say something short like, “No, we can’t do that right now. Let’s go play instead.” - Give Them Space if Needed
Sometimes, giving your toddler a few moments of space to work through their emotions can help them settle down on their own. Just ensure they are in a safe environment where they can’t hurt themselves or others. - Do deep breathing together
Get down to your toddler’s level and model deep breathing. Hold their hands and do big inhales and exhales together. This can help them to come down from their heightened state so you can get to the route of the problem.
How to Prevent Toddler Tantrums
While tantrums are inevitable, there are several tactics you can use to minimize their frequency and intensity. By addressing your toddler’s needs and emotions proactively, you can help them navigate their world with fewer meltdowns.
- Establish a Routine
Toddlers thrive on routine and structure because it gives them a sense of predictability and security. Consistent meal times, nap times, and bedtimes can help reduce tantrums caused by hunger, fatigue, or overstimulation. - Offer Choices
One of the primary reasons for tantrums is a toddler’s desire for independence. By offering simple choices, you give them a sense of control over their world. For example, instead of saying, “Put on your shoes,” try, “Do you want to wear the red shoes or the blue shoes?” or “do you want to do it yourself or do you want me to help?”. - Prepare Them for Transitions
Sudden changes in activities can trigger tantrums, especially if your child is engrossed in play. Prepare your toddler for transitions by giving them a heads-up. For instance, say, “You can have 5 more pushes on the swing then we are leaving the park”. Try to avoid using phrases like “we’re leaving in 5 minutes” as toddlers do not understand how long 5 minutes is, try to use a measurement of time they will understand, like “5 more pushes on the swing” or “build one more tower then we are going to tidy up”. - Meet Basic Needs
Many tantrums are rooted in unmet physical needs, such as hunger, fatigue, or discomfort. Always have snacks and water handy, ensure regular naps, and be aware of signs that your child is getting tired or overstimulated. - Teach Emotional Language
Helping your toddler name their emotions can reduce tantrums in the long run. When they’re upset, you can model language like, “I see you’re angry,” or “You’re sad because we can’t go outside.” This teaches them to express their feelings with words instead of resorting to meltdowns. - Avoid Power Struggles
Toddlers often enter into power struggles when they feel overly controlled. Choose your battles wisely. Ask yourself, “Is this really worth a fight?” Sometimes, letting them win small battles (such as choosing their own outfit) can prevent larger meltdowns.
